Dating Apps

Disclaimer: SEX & THE BLED is a chronicle I created to talk about sex in our country, and the Arab world generally, it is in no way hateful of men, it is hateful of the pressure installed around sex in our countries.

As I love experiencing new things, and everyone has been rambling vaguely about the dating apps without admitting they actually tried them, I got myself an account put on a selfie, one pic of me eating and another one where I was smiling weirdly, a perfect representation of who I am, didn’t bother to write a descriptive paragraph about myself as I wasn’t that serious about the application. I also gathered some of my “serial app daters” friends’ feedbacks to write this article.

Let’s get into it:

After a one month experiment and feedbacks from long-time users of dating apps, I can easily list 6 types of men my friends and I could see on these platforms:

The “I have it all” one: Usually this guy will have a picture of him with his diploma, with his parents in their big house, and another one sitting in his car (which is probably his parent’s as well) channeling the watch and red bottom shoes he got for his birthday as the little-spoiled child that he is. Here is why you need to swipe left and ignore this kind of profile: He is trying too hard to prove something, he is trying to catch attention by his belongings, he is compensating for a big insecurity or a very small one .. If you know what I mean 😉 The bigger the car the smaller the p****.

The one with pictures in the dark/with a Snapchat filter: He is hiding! He will smooth talk you until you build that perfect picture of a prince on a white horse, basically until he gets a date with you. The date might go very well unless he is a kidnapper.

The one that doesn’t look like the pic: We all have been lured once or twice with this kind of person, the one who posts a pic from high school when he was 50 pounds lighter with a lot of hair on that current bold head. You only realize your mistake when you see him for the first time and can’t help but notice that his thighs are thicker than yours, his head soft bold as an egg. I don’t dislike guys with thick thighs (ok maybe a little) but if he can’t be honest and post a representative picture of himself, do not expect him to be honest during the relationship, assuming you overcame the looks and stick with the personality.

The one with a bathroom selfie: This my friend, is a “no-no habibi”, the killer combo that I got to see a lot while I was spending my holidays in Morocco and swiping left, was the topless guy, sunglasses on with his belly on the sink. I am so grateful for these guys to exist for two reasons: Their pictures are hilarious, the kind of pictures you screenshot and send in a group conversation, the second one is that it reminds me of how some men in Morocco are proud of being men, just because of their genitalia, and that also makes me laugh.

The “50 shades of grey” guy: Now this is a trend that has to stop, It took over European countries, 50 shades of grey movies seem to have liberated a lot of dominants out there, everyone is calling themselves SM, and freeing their most intimate fantasies on the internet. I might seem like a grandma (which I am ok with by the way) saying this, but I feel like there should be a number of steps before getting to that level of intimacy with someone,  I don’t need to know what a guy likes in the bedroom before even seeing his actual face.

The dick pic: At least he is honest and straight to the point, it’s up to you to swipe left or right. If you’re out there for a fling then go for it, if you are more of a romantic dinner girl, then swipe him left into the darkness of the internet.

Joke aside, it is so easy now to “shop for love” on applications that people seem to forget that there is another way to do it, the regular way: if you are a guy and you spot a girl at a café or in the street, it is ok to talk to her, just be respectful.

And if you are a guy reading this post and looking for that 2.0 love on the internet, please put casual pictures that are representative of you, because nobody poops with sunglasses on, in their own bathroom.